Monday, 9 July 2012

Ontario Youth Caught Skipping Rocks

Two Ontario youth were spotted skipping rocks while on vacation in rural Newfoundland.  Their parents, originally from Newfoundland, who cannot be identified in order to protect their children's identity, apparently support this unstructured, non-technology based activity.

"I spent my childhood on the beach skipping rocks and jabbing beached jellyfish with sticks" said the father.  "There was no internet.  There was no year-round soccer programs.  While some of my co-workers back at the nuclear plant may frown upon such activity, I think it's just fine".

The young boy stated "I seen jellyfish on my Nintendo DS before.  I didn't know they were real and I got a rock to skip six times.  That is sick, man".

Parent groups in the children's home of Pickering, Ontario are incensed at the depravity of such activity.  A spokesperson for the Pickering Parents Association for the Assimilation of Children says "I don't know if kids exposed to salt water and sea life should mix with my well-heeled kids.  Jellyfish are gross.  Don't they cause scurvy?". 

The young girl added "Daddy and Mommy are taking us to the old dump tonight where they would turn off the car lights, then wait for a while and then turn on the lights and watch the rats run around.  This is the best holiday ever!!"

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Tom Petty Buys Bonavista Bay Island

Peckford's Island, Bonavista Bay
Keith Hutchings, provincial minister responsible for Business and other Odds n' Ends, has announced that rock star, Tom Petty has purchased Peckford’s Island, located about 6 miles from Musgrave Harbour, for an undisclosed amount.  The sale is the first in the provincial government’s Island Divestiture Program.

Newfoundland’s islands are being marketed as a quiet haven from the hectic pace of Hollywood and Broadway.

Hutchings said “We have all these useless small islands along our coast. The government has decided to sell these properties to create a one-time infusion of cash. It should pay for the things we promised but can no longer afford because oil prices have tanked. For example, a new bridge for Placentia”.  he also added "We know that it will be a tough sell but, now that Bono is super-rich due to Facebook's IPO,(read story) we are actively trying to entice him into buying Bell Island."

Peckford's Island on Google maps

A spokesman for Petty said the he is excited about establishing a summer home on Peckford’s Island. “Tom  fell in love with Newfoundland when he was here on tour. Sure it’s a bleak, desolate, isolated spot. If Mr. Petty wanted to get a suntan, he would buy a condo in Jamaica”.

Origami Call Center for Burin

Premier Dunderdale and CEO, Ken Nakamuri, of Origami International, announced that the recently closed fish plant in Burin will be converted into a call center.  It is expected that, initially, 25-30 people will be employed fielding calls and offering advice on Origami (the ancient Japanese art of paper folding).  Dunderdale said "Apparently, there are about 50 million people worldwide that practice Origami daily.  I did not know that.  These devotees sometimes need tips and tricks to advance their craft". 

"Burin is a good fit for Origami International" says Mr Nakamuri.  Burin offers our company a motivated workforce and our aptitude testing has demonstrated the the displaced plant workers have an affinity for Origami.  We are looking forward to partnering with Burin and the Province."

A deal has been reached with the beleaguered paper mill in Corner brook.  The Province has agreed to subsidize the purchase of some of the mill's excess paper.  "But this is only until Kruger can find some more customers.  Our experts are telling us that the internet fad is passing and people are trending back towards print for their news" stated the Premier.

An origami expert is training the local work force.  They are learning everything from the basics to the advanced.  From basic airplanes to the complex Malaysian whooping crane.  Also, just as Indian call center staff are trained to sound "English", Burin workers are learning to speak with a Japanese accent and embrace Japanese customs. Local Tim Hortons staff have lauded Origami International for improving the manners of its customers 10-fold.

 "I also heard the Stephen Harper makes paper helicopters for his kids and Peter McKay", Dunderdale added.  "As I always say, if it's good enough for Stephen, well, gosh darn it, it's good enough for me!"

Fitted Flip Flops Fashion Frenzy

From Rodeo drive to Harbour Drive. Custom fitted flip flops have become the latest fashion craze to reach our shores.  Newfoundlanders young and old are lining up to have have form fitted, customized flip flops designed for them.  Reportedly, they not only provide comfort, they are very trendy.  Trudy Norman, a resident of Carbonear, is the founder and owner of Flip Flops For You.  Ms. Norman not only has a large catalogue of flip flops, she  also performs a flip flop fitting consultation service ($40-$250 depending on age of feet).

"The response has been phenomenal", says Ms. Norman. "People from all walks of life are requesting my service."  She attributes the demand to Newfoundland's increased affluence.  "they don't want to just read about fashion trends in Cosmo.  They want to have them"

Several well known Newfoundlanders are now sporting custom flip flops.  Some may it is not surprising but many politicians love flip flops.  Lorraine Michael, Jerome Kennedy and Premier Kathy Dunderdale, to name a few.  The premier said "I was a bit hesitant at first but then I learned that Stephen Harper has custom flip flops.  "That clinched it for me".  Lieutenant-Governor John Crosbie and John Efford have ordered flip flops adorned with seal fur.

Allan Doyle, Allan Hawco and the entire board of directors at Nalcor wear the shoes.  Ms Norman has been able to sign endorsement deals with two high profile musicians visiting our Province this summer.  Look for Steven Tyler and Kenny Rogers to be wearing swag from Flip Flops For You.  "It's important to target the boomers and geriatric market segment.  They are the ones with an abundance of disposable income.  My grandparents love Kenny Rogers!"

Newfoundland Free Press asked former premier Danny Williams if he had a pair.  He stated emphatically "Flip Flop is not in my vocabulary"

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Anchor Tenant Announced for "Dannyville"

Danny Williams has announced the anchor tenant for his new mega-development in  the Southlands part of St. John's.  In a joint press release between the United Nations and Mr. Williams, it has been announced that the  United nations Headquarters will be moved to Newfoundland.

United Nations Secretary-General, Ben Ki-moon, stated "The move to Canada is meant as risk-mitigative measure".  It is widely believed in diplomatic circles that the move from New York is due to crumbling in confidence in the USA as a world superpower in the global community . 

Mr. Williams said "now that I have inked the UN deal, IKEA are not far behind".